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Breathe in. Breathe Out.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Deep breath.
Okay let’s see where this goes.
When I decided to move to a new country earlier this year I had no idea what I was getting myself into...
but that’s what I loved about it.
You see, I love adventures.
The thrill of discovering what’s around the next turn.
The bliss of not caring if I get lost because detours make for the best stories.
There’s something exciting about just going for it.
When I made the decision to move to Canada I was thrilled for the journey ahead.
Although I had no idea where I would live, how I would re-locate my business or what my new life would look like, I was excited for the opportunity to trust God deeper.
Let’s just say Canada looked nothing like the wild, hands-in-the-air adventure I envisioned.
Ya know, the charismatic adventure where I’m seeing tons of people in the city receiving salvation, blind eyes being open, people being set free and delivered from depression, relationships restored, and even seeing supernatural provision in my life as the Lord sets everything in place after this life-changing move.
I quickly found myself in the middle of an unfamiliar country struggling to just catch my breath.
I wasn't focused on making it through the season, month, week, or even day.
I was just trying to make it from breath to breath.
For the first 4.5 months I felt like each day’s main focus was to just hold it together.
Despite wearing my heart on my sleeve, I tried my best to hide the struggle.
I moved to Canada to follow where the Lord was leading, so if I told people I was miserable then how awful would that sound?
Why couldn’t I just snap out of it?
Did I make a mistake when I moved?
Isolation.
Anxiety.
Lonely.
Empty.
Lifeless.
Worry.
Fear.
Formless.
Grief.
Exhausted.
Joyless.
Desperate.
Confused.
No peace.
Frustrated.
Numb.
Road block after road block after road block.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I felt set up.
When I agreed to this grand adventure with God I knew it would be uncomfortable, & difficult at times, but not THIS.
I’ve been through some hard times like all of us have, but those were also times when I felt the presence of God so strongly, I heard Him speaking all throughout the day and my spiritual life was thriving.
It was like as soon as I crossed the border from the USA into Canada that God disappeared.
Yes, yes, yes, I know “God will never leave me nor forsake me”.
But have you ever been in a season where it feels as if He did just that?
Where you pray for hours, days, weeks...months.
You’re totally engulfed in the Word.
You’re fasting.
You’re just sitting and being with Him.
You’re doing every thing you know to do and still  n o t h i n g .
In that dark pit of despair I felt like King David in Psalm 22 when he cried out “I’m hurting, Lord—will you forget me forever? How much longer, Lord?”.
I felt stuck in a dark “in-between” place.
In between not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and trying to believe it might be the day where I start feeling alive again.
In between not believing God is good and writing down pages of how He’s been good to me in my life.
In between feeling angry at God and sitting on the edge of my seat desperate just hear a whisper.
I was exhausted, and I felt I didn’t even want to believe anymore.
I don’t have a step by step in how to make it through seasons like that because honestly I don’t feel like the door of that season of my life is fully shut, but I do want to say that even when I felt I was going backwards the Lord was somehow carrying me forward.
When I got to Canada the Lord told me He was taking me through the Archway of Trust (Songs of Solomon 4:8). In Hebrew “The Archway of Trust” is called “The Crest of Amana”. The word “Amana” means “amen” and “faith”.
When He told me that I was giddy and gung-ho, but I was totally oblivious with how that was actually going to look.
I pictured a beautiful archway at a wedding where the bride and groom stand hand in hand exchanging vows-dreamy and appealing, right?
This season may not have looked like that picture perfect moment at the end of an aisle, but I know I am in fact walking down the aisle to my Groom. I’m well on my way.
Each step is full of growth & maturing.
Each step is full of history because my Groom and I have been through things together.
The steps have meaning.
The steps tell a story.
In real life we don’t just meet our groom, skip all obstacles, say “I do” and then skip through life without ever having to walk out our vows when hardships arise & we don’t “feel” like it anymore.
The Archway of Trust is a place where God’s promises are kept and realized—its a place of settled security.
And while there’s so much that doesn’t seem totally settled quite yet, I am beginning to feel the comfort & undeniable security of being in the steady hands of my Father.
I have come to realize His promise to be near, stable and constant is true.
He is stable in the middle of our instability.
He is near when feel He’s totally forgotten about us. 
He is constant when everything is changing.
He is growing us in the valley.
Now just breathe.
It’s going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay.

4 comments

  • Beautiful words. I predict I will be reading this again to remind myself to breath in and Breathe out.

    Cyndi
  • Have I told you lately that I Love You!!
    I am so glad that you are home 💕

    Lisa
  • Love love your blog I can totally relate and I dedicate the song by Jenn Johnson “your gonna be ok “🙏💕💕💕💕

    Glenda Janvier
  • Girl, God has so much in store for you! Wonderful read, I can see God growing you into the Evangelist He is going to be able o use. Your heart intentions are in that place of submission and obedience to Him, and that is so important. He is gonna use you mightily! Prayers for you!

    Karen Dowling

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